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Mi Vida Loca

My Crazy Life

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mercedesteele
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April 6th, 2007

Stumbling Blocks

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It is hard to fight the urge to cut.

Stumbling blocks

Jonathan the Psycho

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Something unexpected and very unnerving happened the other night.

Jonathan the Psycho

February 19th, 2007

Obloquy of a Cutter

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Until June 2006 I hadn’t cut in years. I’m not quite certain what caused me to start doing it so many years ago. Maybe it was the need for release; maybe I wanted to punish myself; maybe I felt I deserved it; or maybe it helped me regain control. Maybe it was a combination of all those things.

Regardless of why, the need consumed me until it drowned everything else out and all I could think of was seeing my blood running down a drain. Maybe I needed permanent physical scars to remind me of the emotional ones. Maybe I secretely hoped that my efforts to cover them up would fail. Maybe I wanted someone to see them and see past my everything-is-fine facade. Maybe I wanted someone care enough to force me to tell the truth about how I felt.

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September 19th, 2006

update

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I've been happy for a few weeks now. My sis had a baby 8/29/06 and I am a very proud auntie. I met a nice guy and Nick and me are friends again. I'm caught up on all my bills and even have a little extra money Image how's that for a shocker? I'm not blowing the extra cash though, I'm saving up to repair all the damage to my car after it was burglarized.

My job is going great. I just changed team leads so I don't have to deal with my old one anymore. I seriously didn't like that bitch. My new team lead is awesome and he recognizes my hard work and appreciates it. He is putting me in tier 2 and as soon as I hit 6 months of tenure he's going to recommend I get promoted to either an account supervisor or a coach for the new hires. I've got 2 more months to go before my 6 month mark though.

Nick took me to see Candlebox and got me drunk. I met one of his friends (who is really fuckin hot BTW).

Hmmm, what else is new?

I haven't cut or bloodlet in exactly a month. I'm proud of myself for that. I haven't had the urge to do it, hopefully because I am trying to stop but it may just be because I did so much of it last month. I guess time will tell.

In the meantime I'm living my life a day at a time.

August 30th, 2006

I am officially an auntie as of 8am 8/28/06. McKayla Nicole was born a few days ago. She was 21 inches long and 7 1/2 lbs. I'm a very proud auntie and I've already taken a shitload of pics of her. I stayed at the hospital from 7:30am monday until the nurse kicked me out at 9pm. I held peanut (my nickname for her) more than my sister did. I rushed to the hospital as soon as I got off work yesterday and today to spend more time with her.

As soon as Peanut was born I took a few pics of her with my cell then I texted everyone in my phone that has a cell. I didn't even pay attention to names and I still had Nick's number stored so he got the msg too. I hadn't talked to him since we broke up the second week of June. He started texting me right away and hasn't stopped since.

He wants us to hang out and party the weekend after next because this weekend is labor day and we both already have plans. I'm not sure it would be a good idea for us to see each other. He's trying to tell me how much he's changed: that he quit tweek, got a promotion at work and is making a lot more money, that he is wanting to settle down and have kids etc... Part of me wants to believe him, but logically I know it's too good to be true. How many people can change that many things about themselves in 2 1/2 months? Besides that, the main issue we had was sexual incompatibility, but he is even trying to tell me since he quit tweeking that his sex drive is high again, which may be true but sex drive is only 1/2 the equation. He's bad in bed too. Maybe I can train him... but do I really want to?

I have a lot of thinking to do before the weekend after next. I'd like to be friends with him. We always had fun when hanging out. He's cute, sweet, funny, generous, a good kisser, and a great cuddler. However, he has a lot of flaws too. Before we stopped seeing each other I wrote a pros and cons list. When I finished there was 2 dealbreakers: tweek and sexual incompatibility, but now he's trying to tell me those too factors have changed. Why did this have to happen when I was starting to meet new guys? Exes always rear their damn heads when I'm about to get into a relationship with someone new. I have such a fear of getting hurt and stuff that I tend to go back to the exes because I know what to expect, unlike when getting into a relationship with someone new.

Anyways, back to my sister and the baby. McKayla's daddy proposed to my sister yesterday at the hospital, which I witnessed. I still dislike him, but apparently the asshole is going to be family so I have to find some way to co-exist with him... despite the desire to strangle him lol. I love McKayla to death and I don't want to risk being exiled from her life because my dislike for her father. My sister is in love (aka dicknotized) and she is in the stage where she would choose her man over everyone else.

McKayla has awakened a yearning in my heart to have children. I had convinced myself that I didn't want kids and this new revelation has thrown me for a loop. I'm still trying to wrap my mind around it. I need to straighten my ass out before I have kids, so I now have some motivation to fight the urges to harm myself and I want to get better. I refuse to bring a child in this world right now because I'm so fucked up emotionally. I refuse to be the kind of mother mine was/is.

Jess (my sister) is only 18 but she is settling down and just started a family. She has been lecturing me about needing to settle down. She throws it in my face that she is 9 years younger and has a baby and about to get married. At first I didn't give a damn. I'm not jealous of her life or anything, but I have been thinking about what she said alot. Maybe it is time for me to settle down... she keeps reminding me that my biological clock is ticking. Which makes it weirder that Nick is saying the same thing.

Here are some pics of my little Peanut










August 26th, 2006

I'll be an auntie soon!

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My little sister went to the doctor today. They did an ultrasound to check on the baby and she is breech. Since she is Jess' first baby they don't want her to give birth naturally so they are going to do a c-section Monday morning at 7:30 am. Normally, I have to work on Mondays and I wouldn't have been able to go, but the managers at DirecTV are compassionate and overrode the scheduling dept so I can be at the birth of my first neice. I really like that company. Cingular never would have let me do it. I would've had to call in and risk getting fired.

Here is my sis and her huge pregnant belly.


I'm excited. My cousins' kids call me auntie and I love them just like they are my neices and nephews instead of second cousins, but it's different when one of your siblings is having a baby. I'm already overflowing with so much love for the baby I feel like I could burst. If I feel this strongly about my neice I can't even begin to imagine how I would feel about my own baby. I had a taste of that during my 3 pregnancies. Unfortunately, those babies wasn't meant to be and I miscarried them.

Anyways, on a happier note. My familiar found me. She's a beautiful solid black cat with green eyes. I named her Bast. Osiris likes her. Now I only need Isis and Horus. :)

Here is Bast and Osiris.




August 20th, 2006

The Day After...

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I feel a lot better today. I don't know it it's because of the cutting and bloodletting I did last night or if it's because I'm going into a hypomanic episode. All I know is I felt completely sated after the bloodletting and cutting. Maybe because I hit a really good vein and bled about half a pint and then cut. I made 8 more cuts and most of them were longer than usual.

I missed the constant pain of cuts. When I walk, sit, stand... I feel the little twinge and discomfort and it feels good. I enjoy it. I used to get this feeling from piercings or tattoos, but I'm too broke to do either of those things right now, so I improvise :)

I didn't realize how deep the cuts were until I got to work this morning and blood and pus had soaked through my jeans. It was sticky and kinda gross. I guess I need to restock on gauze and medical tape. Besides that I had a helluva time explaining the bloody lines on the thigh portion of my jeans. I blamed my cat, luckily none of my co-workers know I don't have a cat. I'm sure some knew I was full of shit, but they didn't call me out about it. (Thank Goddess - I don't feel like hearing any sermons.)

I kicked some serious ass at work... my performance was right on and 2 of my calls was QAed and I got 100% on both, so that perked me up.

One of the few good things about being bipolar is that you can snap out of the depression as quickly as you fell into it. I guess it helps that I have mixed episodes and I'm a rapid cycler. I wish I was hypomanic (like today) all the time. I feel awesome during hypomanic episodes. I'm totally awesome at those times. I feel great, I'm social, I get shit done.

August 19th, 2006

I cut again

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I cut again last night. Why can't I control it anymore? The urges are too great to resist. I guess one of the triggers was reading past entries as I transferred them to this new livejournal yesterday, but I can't blame that entirely because I had cut and bloodlet a few nights ago.

It'd be easier to stop if it didn't help me. The pain... The blood...

Blood is warm and liquid like the tears that will not shed. Why is it so much easier to bleed than to cry? How sick is it that part of the reason I donate blood is because it makes me feel better? Not better about myself like it does most donors, but better because I am bleeding... releasing the emotions that I can't cry away.

I know self injury is morbid and "wrong" but I enjoy it. It's so therapeutic. The scars are getting harder and harder to hide. That's why I started bloodletting, what is one small round hole compared to several inches long lines?

The downside of bloodletting instead of cutting is that it isn't as satisfying because there isn't hardly any pain. The upside is there is a lot more blood.

I guess this is a sign that the meds aren't really working. I haven't had any suicidal urges in a long time, so I guess they are working in that aspect. I haven't been paralyzed by depression in awhile either.

I hate being bipolar. I hate the need to cut, to hurt, to bleed, to suffer. I hate myself.


My Guys Gallery

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The following gallery includes pics of Erick, Nick, Raymond, Brian, Jack, Vance, Jesse, Johnny Paul, Luis, Adrian, and Crow.

My Guys

LiveJournal

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Ok, it has been almost a year since I posted on this site. I forgot the password to my original LJ so I had to create this acct. I've been transferring entries from my old LJ acct, my yahoo 360, and myspace all freaking day, but I'm finally caught up. Go me!

Since I'm finished I'm gonna go join my roomie and the party that's going on in the living room.
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